HeliKnow Services Pamphlet

I received this in the mail!

Basic nuclear genome sequencing: 30 credits – you provide the DNA, and we do the rest! HeliKnow will record your complete genome sequence, the unique pattern of A-T-C-G that makes you you. Our high-throughput DNA sequencing technology yields rapid, confident, and confidential results for less than zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-one credits per nucleotide. What a bargain!

Notice: to provide optimal service, HeliKnow only analyzes blood samples. Cheek swabs are unacceptable.

Gold package: 60 credits – our most popular package! Your genome is egregiously confusing. Luckily, we speak DNA-glish! Trained HeliKnow technicians will interpret your genes in a layman-friendly report that includes:

1)  Ancestry

2)  Major phenotypes

3)  Health risks

4)  Terminal genetic disorders

Remember, unlike our competitors, HeliKnow respects client confidentiality.

Notice: technicians are not prophets. Please purchase our fate package to foresee your death.

Fate package: 1000 creditspalm readers are charlatans. Only DNA can speak to fate. Deus Helix has hidden messages in every double helix that writhes inside your body. Using proprietary bioinformatics analyses and rituals, HeliKnow prophets will scry your destiny. Ask, and ye shall receive. Common questions include:

1)  Will I be powerful?

2)  Will I be rich?

3)  Will I fall in love?

4)  Will my lover betray me?

5)  What are my lucky numbers?

6)  Why do we suffer?

7)  Are you sure that’s the right answer?

8)  How horrible. It’s not fair. Why?  

Remember: your fate is confidential! At HeliKnow, data mismanagement is punishable by absolute termination.

Optional fate package “expiration” feature: 500 credits you are going to die, and we can tell you all about it during your session with our prophets. Learn where, when, how, and why you will perish.

Notice: a one liter blood tribute is necessary to scry your death.

Platinum package: 10,000 credits – defy fate. HeliKnow can improve your genome with proprietary mutagenic and viral vector technology. Erase the dark portends written in your genes and replace them with wealth or love. Stop aging; our technicians can lengthen telomeres, strengthening body and mind.

Notice: you cannot outrun death forever. Deus Helix is an author, and we are all imperfect drafts of Its masterpiece. With every generation, inheritance and mutations draw us closer to perfection. But countless speciation events separate Homo sapiens from immortality. No human will survive this universe.

Indeed, no human will survive this millennium.

Volunteer opportunities: stop being human. Our great prophet sings the sacred Deus Helix genome. Once she finishes reciting Its glorious sequence, we need volunteers. From egg donors to biochemists: come one, come all, and help clone Deus Helix. A lucky few will be transformed, their bodies enhanced with demigod genes. Your sacrifices ensure the betterment of humankind. Don’t miss out! The great prophet may complete her recitation this very hour!

Notice: volunteers work pro bono, but HeliKnow will compensate volunteer families for funeral expenses, when necessary.

Church of Deus Helix: free and priceless – join our congregation. Worship with us. Listen to the great prophet sing Its genome. Spill your helices upon the red altar. Evolve!

Notice: all congregants must sign a confidentiality agreement.

Thank you for choosing HeliKnow for your genome sequencing needs!

Maybe I should apply to HeliKnow after I graduate. Their benefits seem very cool.

(This is a piece of fiction.)

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A Ghost Story (in three tweets)

Hello friends! As a scary person, I often share my paranormal experiences online. Here’s the latest, originally posted on twitter:

Once, with Ouija board and planchette, I asked the ghosts, “What is it like?” They said to me, “We’ll show you. Turn off the lights.” So …

I waited in silence. Minutes passed. One, five, ten. Thirty. “Nothing,” I said. “I don’t hear anything. I don’t see anything.”

The planchette slid across the board. “Exactly,” spelled the ghosts. And they never spoke to me again. Goodnight, Twitter.

True story. Aren’t they all? 😉

 

Wendigo Review-stravaganza!

Edit 11/24/2016: Yeah, so. I watched a couple movies, and one was *so* bad, I could not continue. My spirit wouldn’t let me. This was the WORST movie I’ve ever seen. I don’t mean bad in a haha so-bad-it’s-good way, either. I mean … high-budget, stomach-turning racist bad. The movie was Bone Tomahawk, and it’s not strictly about Wendigo stuff, but … ugh … I can’t. Don’t watch BT. Don’t. Worst movie ever. (End edit.)

In November, I asked Twitter:

Nobody had any recommendations. ;-; By the way, the question is still open! Please halp.

Then, THIS happened! Continue reading

Accepted by Princeton, rejected by Princeton’s creative writing program: one outsider’s experience

I’d like to send you back in time: it’s 2006, and I’m a naive highschooler in Texarkana. I had just accepted Princeton’s unexpected but very appreciated admission offer and was excited – “just won the lottery” excited – to study creative fiction as an undergraduate student.

During my first semester in the orange bubble*, I sent a fiction sample to the writing program, crossed my fingers, waited … Continue reading

The Girl Turns West – a few notes about my coming-of-age Apache fantasy in Mirror Dance (Summer 2015)

Girl Turns West

This lovely piece, made by The Exceptional Nick Robles, is a fusion of my mother as a teen and the protagonist in “The Girl Turns West.” Hence the 70s-stylin bell bottoms XD


“The Girl Turns West,” my short fantasy story inspired by precolonial Mescalero/Lipan/Jicarilla societies, appears in Mirror Dance this summer. Read it here! In this post, I will say a few words about the society and magic of Many Question’s world. If you don’t know who Many Questions is, ahem … click this link and put on your reading glasses (if you need em) 😉

  1. Names have power: Because they reflect a person’s soul, names possess great spiritual power and can be weapons in the wrong hands. Therefore, Many Questions refers to people by their familial/professional titles, even in her thoughts. I don’t know about you, but I tend to do the same. To me, my father is “Dad,” not “Patrick.”
  2. In Many Question’s matrilocal society, family groups are rooted around the grandmother’s line: Many Questions lives in a family group loosely connected to eight other families. The groups travel together and help each other during crises. When a couple is married, the husband joins the wife’s family group; if the marriage splits, the husband leaves.
  3. Question everything: As she becomes an adult, Many Questions realizes that dogmas about evil, spirituality, and what it means to be a woman do not always reflect the truth …

I’m working on a sequel to this story that involves an older Many Questions, her brother, her auntie, and The Storyteller. Here’s its tagline: the old monsters have returned. Muahaha. Seriously, there are lots of wonderfully creepy monsters in Southern Athabaskan lore – I’m itching to have some fun with them.

Thanks for reading! Oh, here’s a pic of my mom as a kiddo – can you see the resemblance with the art above? 😀

Mom